Street lights on Victoria

I think I used to hide a lot as a child. At least my mind tells me that. I was really a shy kid who always dreamed of perfection but never quite got there. Dreamed of perfection but never took the steps to achieve it. I cry at the thought. Always hiding crap under my bed, knowing my parents would find it... hiding my lunch in primary school, because I sooo hated the jam sandwiches that my dad made me... hiding my sports uniform because I wasn't in the mood to play cricket... I mean, c'mon, it's cricket.

Nothing really has changed has it?

The tears don't stop anymore. Everyday gets harder. There's too much in my life and I wish I could work a mathematical equation I learned in year 8, to simplify and cancel out. Carry the remainder. I wish you were here paulina. The tears are streaming and I'm scared.

It's dark here. And it's not the apartment. It's the wine, it's my mind, it's the music. It's my mind. I love my life, and I hate it at the same time. One day it will clear, and i'll be okay. One day i'll face my fears, and i'll love myself.

Why is my life so cryptic? Even my blog doesn't make sense to anyone. My mind should be clear when I'm being honest to myself. Why then, when I read over it, I can't even tell what I mean? Am I like this to everyone?

I need answers for myself before I answer anyone else. I feel like it's my turn to fall.

Jesus, Paulina, never ever write anything like your L word entry ever again. The tears are streaming more.

Every morning, I put my clothes on for work. I dress in black. Black equals strength. I look in the mirror before I leave and believe that I'm heading to work a stronger person. I get to work and look in the mirror again. A strong person. I stand in the change room and cry. There are no mirrors there, all I have there are my emotions. The suit is just a bad pill, with a terrible come down.

I wish I could stop crying.

Time to get away.


OnAirwithBlackPunk : Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars