Hold My Hand

I hate to return from blogging hiatus on this note but....

Went back to the parental home today.

Found out my mum may have breast cancer.

What am I supposed to think?

I was a mummy's boy as a kid. Always ran to her when I got hurt, always ran to her for support. The arms of my mother were my cradle. Sleeping in her arms as a boy was the most comfortable I've ever felt. She'd hold my hand when we'd go shopping. Watching her pick out my clothes in Myer... Why can't I stop crying?

Now I'm the one who holds her hand and takes her out to coffee. I stand taller than her and makes sure she crosses the road okay. Rubbing her head when she has a headache. Straightening the furniture so it's at right angles, because she's too small to do it herself. Boiling the water so she can have some tea.

I love her so much. I can't bear to look into her eyes and see her looking back at me, telepathically trying to tell me everything will be okay.

I want her to see me succeed. I want to be able to look after her. I want her to hold my child.

When will the crying end?


PunkOnAir : Kelly Clarkson - Where Is Your Heart?

Just dance.

That's it.

I'm who I am. And it's time to work with what I have, and run with it. Wallowing is not me, and that's the first thing to stop. As cliche as it is, life is too short....It's a cliche for a reason.

I can hold onto the memory and let go of the pain. They were good memories, and I regret nothing. I'm still here, and I can still have fun. I'm still Dean, and I'm still fucking awesome. Enough is enough, I've done enough crying, but if there's more to be done I'll do it, but I'm not going to wait for it to come. The tears can come get me when they're ready. It's okay, I can take them on. I've shed enough of them in my life to know that they don't get the better of me.

It's time to set myself up. Find my feet that dance so well, and just dance away all the bad times I'm going through. My lip might hurt, and my tongue might sting, but screw it, who cares? Feeling down about my pain is wasteful, because it allows for less time that is filled with fun and goodtimes. They do come. You'll see. I'll see.

Work will be a joy. I'll take on everyone with a smile, and charm my way through each serve. My staff will be motivated and my store will rock this town. It's a new time. My revolution does start now. Remember the last few blogs, because for now, you're not going to see that style again anytime soon.

It's my night.


OnAirwithBlackPunk : Mary J. Blige - Be Without You

Chicken Congee and Chinese Donut

Peace.

I feel like everything will be alright, but there's so much I miss. I think of everything that was. Why? When everything is supposed to get easier, why am I moving backwards? I'm not sure whether it's my state of constant dehydration or whether it's my mental state, but I keep feeling dizzy.

Everything seems to be catching up with me, and the holiday couldn't come any sooner. But I'm worried. Will everything become more lonely? I picture myself in the gardens near Greville Street, reading and listening to music, before realising that I have no one to sit with... I don't want to have that feeling. It scares me.

I was so happy with the person I was, I just wish I could find that confidence, that independence and that spark I was so happy with. I need a rejuvenation, a reinvention, a revolution.

Everything will be alright.


///Arrogance.

I went there to collect some things
And all I collected were memories.
I looked in the mirror and saw my face
and felt right, like a belonged.
I feel like I've stolen something from you
And Indian-giving is something I do
But what is there to do
when I make up my mind.

Street lights on Victoria

I think I used to hide a lot as a child. At least my mind tells me that. I was really a shy kid who always dreamed of perfection but never quite got there. Dreamed of perfection but never took the steps to achieve it. I cry at the thought. Always hiding crap under my bed, knowing my parents would find it... hiding my lunch in primary school, because I sooo hated the jam sandwiches that my dad made me... hiding my sports uniform because I wasn't in the mood to play cricket... I mean, c'mon, it's cricket.

Nothing really has changed has it?

The tears don't stop anymore. Everyday gets harder. There's too much in my life and I wish I could work a mathematical equation I learned in year 8, to simplify and cancel out. Carry the remainder. I wish you were here paulina. The tears are streaming and I'm scared.

It's dark here. And it's not the apartment. It's the wine, it's my mind, it's the music. It's my mind. I love my life, and I hate it at the same time. One day it will clear, and i'll be okay. One day i'll face my fears, and i'll love myself.

Why is my life so cryptic? Even my blog doesn't make sense to anyone. My mind should be clear when I'm being honest to myself. Why then, when I read over it, I can't even tell what I mean? Am I like this to everyone?

I need answers for myself before I answer anyone else. I feel like it's my turn to fall.

Jesus, Paulina, never ever write anything like your L word entry ever again. The tears are streaming more.

Every morning, I put my clothes on for work. I dress in black. Black equals strength. I look in the mirror before I leave and believe that I'm heading to work a stronger person. I get to work and look in the mirror again. A strong person. I stand in the change room and cry. There are no mirrors there, all I have there are my emotions. The suit is just a bad pill, with a terrible come down.

I wish I could stop crying.

Time to get away.


OnAirwithBlackPunk : Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

Independence Day

She looks hot here. Always been one of my favorite shots of her....



























...and I need to break up this depressing blog.

You could mean everything to me

Uh. I'm not really in the mindset to blog right now. I'm pretty much screwing up everything right now, and I can't coherently put finger to key to create a digestable blog entry.

I've made mistakes. If I had the chance, I'd do everything differently. Even two months ago, I would've changed everything. As a consequence of making bad choices I sit here after a day of depressing music and xbox writing a blog entry on the first real regret I have in life. One that will no doubt plague my heart for years to come.

I can't imagine the pain.

Most possibly, I've thrown away everything that anyone could want. And to my confusion, I put it down to gut feelings to guide me through this time. I do love him, and I would love to see the person he becomes.

I'm just scared. It's so difficult to know what to expect. The love, the rage, the hatred. It cycles around me, stripping me of the ability to display any emotion. Confuses me, blinding me to the need of others to know how I feel. I hate myself right now.

After reading an extremely moving blog entry yesterday, I cried for the first time. The tears just came all of a sudden. I stood in the shower sobbing, knowing that I had lost a love, and that I was paying for my actions, and realising that I'm the fucked up one. The psycho ex.

My silence says everything.

I wish I could remove myself from being able to love anyone, or be loved, so that no one would ever get hurt. No one could be disappointed.

I want to plea, cry and scream. So often I want to scream. So often I want to smother the sobbing. What have I done??

OnAirwithBlackPunk : Nelly Furtado - Say It Right

In the day, in the night, say it right, say it all
You either got it or you don't, you either stand or you fall
When your will is broken, when it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking, there's a hole in the plan

I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show you tonight

Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
Have you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

From my hands I could give you something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy, do you really want to go?

Your sexiness; I can't let it go

Oh. And when you thought she couldn't get any better. This performance rocks my jocks! Oh my god, and the bit where she sing out 'i'm out of control' and falls to the ground as she gyrates is simple stunning, and the final pose, and the band. Uh, she's so in control it's....I don't even know what to say. I'm awe-struck. I'm sure everyone will be having glimpses of Beyonce over and over. Deja Vu.

Look back on my life

Sometimes in life, you look around and analyse how you're going, a self-assessment. It's been a pretty disastrous few weeks of late, with most of my life feeling like a big 'F'.

One thing I am so happy about is the support I've received from friends, some more than others, and much of the support comes in different forms.

Chalks. I have to write this as you sit near me. You're an amazing guy, and something deep down tells me that you don't think that of yourself. Flicking through my 21st birthday cards, you wished that people would write similar compliments that they wrote in mine.

You make everything easy for me. People who know me well would know that at this point, after what I've been through, I'd be running around like a headless chook, crying into my hands on the banks of the Yarra and wondering why life is how it is; staring at artwork to try and decipher if there is a deeper insight into life and love.

The past few weeks, and our crazy nights out have made me forget about the pain. Hold on the memory, leave the pain. You're generous and caring, always putting yourself first. It's so easy to feel comfortable with you, and getting to know you has made me treasure the kind of friendships that I seemed to dodge, especially over the past year. Sometimes friendships don't last forever, that's the truth, but I know that if in the future we don't stay as close as we are, I will have great memories to look back on.

The laughter, the fun, the drinking, the cooking. Good times. Lighting each other up. Good times. Just remember that you impact everyone so positively. Your goofish laugh and vibrant personality is so charming, I'm lucky to call you a friend.


OnAirwithBlackPunk : Nelly Furtado - What I Wanted

Those three words; Are said too much; They're not enough

Set The Fire To The Third Bar

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from here to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold gound
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

And miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

- performed by Martha Wainwright & Snow Patrol


It's been a hard day. It will be a long night. And tomorrow.... will just be tomorrow. Then yesterday. As today will be the past.

Say something... Say it! Say it! Say it! Say it!

Sitting in Chalks' loungeroom, trying to relax after quite a tiring and somewhat hectic weekend. So many places to be, so many people to ditch and so many songs I want to dance to.

It started Thursday. Work sucked. A manager's meeting which felt like everyone was screaming and no one was listening. It didn't surprise me, but there were many issues which frustrated the hell out of me. Chris said mentioned today that I don't stand up enough, that I have valid points, but no balls to bring them up. He's correct to an extent. My youth is what plays against me when I'm in need to be defiant and stand up for my views at work. Anyway, after having to put up with the annoying 'Sale' customers, and relatioship issues which provoked a breakdown, I left work feeling like crap. All I wanted to do was crawl up and die.

Earlier on in the week, Chalks had invited me over to his place for a dinner party with Freddy and Simon. After a little apprehension (whether of not to spend a night alone), I decided to go and have fun. After finishing work, I wasn't really in the mood, but I knew a few hours with the boys would do me some good. I hoped, anyway.

We ended up having a great dinner, no matter what Chalks thinks. We sat and drank, compared Mariah war-stories, and made plans for Friday night.

Oh my god. I don't remember that much else. I wasn't drunk. I've just had a lot of things going on this weekend. We had a great time, and that's all you need to know. I'll summarise.

fridaynightfinishedworkearlycalledchalksmetupathisplacehadmaccasdownloaded
housemusicplayedxboxwhoopedchalks'assatburnoutfreddyandsimoncameover
gotsomewinedrankmoremusicmorexboxjuliancameoverwenttothepeeldanced
danceddancedmetamadonnawannabedancerleftpeeljustasrihanna'ssoscameon.
saturdaynightfinishedworkcollectedmattressfrommysisterwentbackhomeand
chalkspickedusupwenttosophia'sforbaddinnerandbadwineandweirdasscompany
wenttobarnoneandhadajamdonutandreadthealcoholicbibleleftdevimetimmaand
hersister'sgorgeousfriendscollectedcharlieandheadedtostartenthanniversary
partymethalfoftaipeidancedtoour'ownmusic'gotbroughtdownbythevibeanddecided
toheadtomarketjohnsondroveustomarketinhiscarandilearntmoreabout
immigrationdancedatmarkettopsoffpodiumsatdownandrelaxedthescreweduptrance
housethingymusicbroughtourmooddown. sundaynightfinishedworkandheadedto
hairycanaryfordrinkswithchalksfreddyandsimonwenthomeandmetjovanni
shielamegandbrentishowedtheboystheapartmentandheadedouttocollecttim
chalks'exandgotolaksakingitwasclosedwewenttovictoriastphoinsteadthenwe
droppedtimhomeandchilledatchalks'wecleanedhisapartmentandplayedsomemore
xboxafterthatwedroppedfreddyandsimonhomeandcamehometoblog.iapologise
toanydyslexsicreadersofmyblog.


OnAirwithBlackPunk : Mariah Carey - Say Something (David Morales Club Mix)