Hold My Hand

I hate to return from blogging hiatus on this note but....

Went back to the parental home today.

Found out my mum may have breast cancer.

What am I supposed to think?

I was a mummy's boy as a kid. Always ran to her when I got hurt, always ran to her for support. The arms of my mother were my cradle. Sleeping in her arms as a boy was the most comfortable I've ever felt. She'd hold my hand when we'd go shopping. Watching her pick out my clothes in Myer... Why can't I stop crying?

Now I'm the one who holds her hand and takes her out to coffee. I stand taller than her and makes sure she crosses the road okay. Rubbing her head when she has a headache. Straightening the furniture so it's at right angles, because she's too small to do it herself. Boiling the water so she can have some tea.

I love her so much. I can't bear to look into her eyes and see her looking back at me, telepathically trying to tell me everything will be okay.

I want her to see me succeed. I want to be able to look after her. I want her to hold my child.

When will the crying end?


PunkOnAir : Kelly Clarkson - Where Is Your Heart?

Just dance.

That's it.

I'm who I am. And it's time to work with what I have, and run with it. Wallowing is not me, and that's the first thing to stop. As cliche as it is, life is too short....It's a cliche for a reason.

I can hold onto the memory and let go of the pain. They were good memories, and I regret nothing. I'm still here, and I can still have fun. I'm still Dean, and I'm still fucking awesome. Enough is enough, I've done enough crying, but if there's more to be done I'll do it, but I'm not going to wait for it to come. The tears can come get me when they're ready. It's okay, I can take them on. I've shed enough of them in my life to know that they don't get the better of me.

It's time to set myself up. Find my feet that dance so well, and just dance away all the bad times I'm going through. My lip might hurt, and my tongue might sting, but screw it, who cares? Feeling down about my pain is wasteful, because it allows for less time that is filled with fun and goodtimes. They do come. You'll see. I'll see.

Work will be a joy. I'll take on everyone with a smile, and charm my way through each serve. My staff will be motivated and my store will rock this town. It's a new time. My revolution does start now. Remember the last few blogs, because for now, you're not going to see that style again anytime soon.

It's my night.


OnAirwithBlackPunk : Mary J. Blige - Be Without You

Chicken Congee and Chinese Donut

Peace.

I feel like everything will be alright, but there's so much I miss. I think of everything that was. Why? When everything is supposed to get easier, why am I moving backwards? I'm not sure whether it's my state of constant dehydration or whether it's my mental state, but I keep feeling dizzy.

Everything seems to be catching up with me, and the holiday couldn't come any sooner. But I'm worried. Will everything become more lonely? I picture myself in the gardens near Greville Street, reading and listening to music, before realising that I have no one to sit with... I don't want to have that feeling. It scares me.

I was so happy with the person I was, I just wish I could find that confidence, that independence and that spark I was so happy with. I need a rejuvenation, a reinvention, a revolution.

Everything will be alright.


///Arrogance.

I went there to collect some things
And all I collected were memories.
I looked in the mirror and saw my face
and felt right, like a belonged.
I feel like I've stolen something from you
And Indian-giving is something I do
But what is there to do
when I make up my mind.

Street lights on Victoria

I think I used to hide a lot as a child. At least my mind tells me that. I was really a shy kid who always dreamed of perfection but never quite got there. Dreamed of perfection but never took the steps to achieve it. I cry at the thought. Always hiding crap under my bed, knowing my parents would find it... hiding my lunch in primary school, because I sooo hated the jam sandwiches that my dad made me... hiding my sports uniform because I wasn't in the mood to play cricket... I mean, c'mon, it's cricket.

Nothing really has changed has it?

The tears don't stop anymore. Everyday gets harder. There's too much in my life and I wish I could work a mathematical equation I learned in year 8, to simplify and cancel out. Carry the remainder. I wish you were here paulina. The tears are streaming and I'm scared.

It's dark here. And it's not the apartment. It's the wine, it's my mind, it's the music. It's my mind. I love my life, and I hate it at the same time. One day it will clear, and i'll be okay. One day i'll face my fears, and i'll love myself.

Why is my life so cryptic? Even my blog doesn't make sense to anyone. My mind should be clear when I'm being honest to myself. Why then, when I read over it, I can't even tell what I mean? Am I like this to everyone?

I need answers for myself before I answer anyone else. I feel like it's my turn to fall.

Jesus, Paulina, never ever write anything like your L word entry ever again. The tears are streaming more.

Every morning, I put my clothes on for work. I dress in black. Black equals strength. I look in the mirror before I leave and believe that I'm heading to work a stronger person. I get to work and look in the mirror again. A strong person. I stand in the change room and cry. There are no mirrors there, all I have there are my emotions. The suit is just a bad pill, with a terrible come down.

I wish I could stop crying.

Time to get away.


OnAirwithBlackPunk : Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

Independence Day

She looks hot here. Always been one of my favorite shots of her....



























...and I need to break up this depressing blog.

You could mean everything to me

Uh. I'm not really in the mindset to blog right now. I'm pretty much screwing up everything right now, and I can't coherently put finger to key to create a digestable blog entry.

I've made mistakes. If I had the chance, I'd do everything differently. Even two months ago, I would've changed everything. As a consequence of making bad choices I sit here after a day of depressing music and xbox writing a blog entry on the first real regret I have in life. One that will no doubt plague my heart for years to come.

I can't imagine the pain.

Most possibly, I've thrown away everything that anyone could want. And to my confusion, I put it down to gut feelings to guide me through this time. I do love him, and I would love to see the person he becomes.

I'm just scared. It's so difficult to know what to expect. The love, the rage, the hatred. It cycles around me, stripping me of the ability to display any emotion. Confuses me, blinding me to the need of others to know how I feel. I hate myself right now.

After reading an extremely moving blog entry yesterday, I cried for the first time. The tears just came all of a sudden. I stood in the shower sobbing, knowing that I had lost a love, and that I was paying for my actions, and realising that I'm the fucked up one. The psycho ex.

My silence says everything.

I wish I could remove myself from being able to love anyone, or be loved, so that no one would ever get hurt. No one could be disappointed.

I want to plea, cry and scream. So often I want to scream. So often I want to smother the sobbing. What have I done??

OnAirwithBlackPunk : Nelly Furtado - Say It Right

In the day, in the night, say it right, say it all
You either got it or you don't, you either stand or you fall
When your will is broken, when it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking, there's a hole in the plan

I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show you tonight

Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
Have you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

From my hands I could give you something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy, do you really want to go?