a smile, a laugh. everyday of my life.

Firstly, Kelly Clarkson has decided to release "Because Of You" as her fourth single from the hit album "Breakaway". It is clearly the strongest song from the album. A brilliant song co-written with Ben Moody. God. I love her.

Because Of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did; you fell so hard
I learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
Over the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
I don't know how to let anyone else in
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of You
I am afraid
Because of you

- performed by Kelly Clarkson

The days are becoming more of a juxtoposition of climate changes and mood swings as winter days are taking its toll. Things for me are looking good right now. Work is winding down its busy period of -"Are-you-guys-on-sale-yet?/Is-that-the-best-price-you-can-do?''- customers, I'm really looking forward to studying again, the group of friends around me are probably the best I've had in ages, my love life is perfect and my family are almost exactly what I want them to be, albeit crazy and all. Things are just serene and calm right now. I'm hoping there'll be no rocking of my boat.

It's amazing what living out of home has done for me. I feel more stable now. Surprisingly, living out of 'home' hasn't been the huge orgy of over-indulgence I thought it may have been. I'm grateful that instead, I've become more responsible, more willing to partake in things I haven't done before (and no, Au Maya, that doesn't mean drugs or sex).

My father has become ever increasingly accepting (is that the word to use?) of my sexuality, and that is something I will forever be grateful to him. Some people don't realise the fear and anxiety someone has to go through to 'come out' to their family. The pure torment and torture of the idea that they may put you through a life of misery, let alone reject you, plays havoke with one's emotions and mental state. No wonder most gay men are bitter and lonely. It became clear to me that my father loves me unconditionally after I shared dinner with them last Thursday in East Melbourne. He kept looking and the waitress, semi-smiling, then looking at me...

"Do you think she's hot?", I whispered.

He shrugged, began to laugh and said,

"You don't.....you're into something else..."

I laughed and shared one of those intimate moments with my father, one when you realise you're both on the same communicative level and that everything is okay. That event may not seem a lot to others... You'd have to know my father to understand what that meant. I believe I've resolved my mistakes from the past now, and ready to move on.

Deep and meaningful over.